first week in toronto and already attended a society ball/art gallery fundraiser thing what is my life
I sleep with ghosts,
I am bounded
by their phantom
limbs. I am trapped
beneath a thousand
dreams.
• myself
• about
• thoughts
• personal
• poetry//fragments
• ask or tell.
eros, c'est la vie
I am bounded
by their phantom
limbs. I am trapped
beneath a thousand
dreams.
• myself
• about
• thoughts
• personal
• poetry//fragments
• ask or tell.
eros, c'est la vie
i move to toronto in a few weeks. while i am extremely excited, i am also terrified. i am interning with a great company, mansion, doing music promotions and bookings. they’ve just returned from an ‘educational’ field trip in london and berlin, and are hoping to bring the same vibe and scene to toronto. i am excited to help them realise and construct that scene. i’ve peeked at the booking considerations, and there are many acts that i am dying to see. also embrace is putting on a few good shows as well, so that’ll be fun. albiet, i will be broke by the end of summer paying for shows…
i will be living in a beautiful apartment with my friend matt, and his roommate and my friend’s girlfriend, edna. the room isn’t big, but i have some good ideas for it. minimalist living for the next two and a half months—i’m getting a roll-up futon, racks to hang clothes on (nyc loft style), probably hang a few photos up, and a small desk and lamp. nothing extravagant. moving out of my apartment in ann arbor has been so much effort that I don’t think i want to go through the same hassle again, especially living five hours away.
what i’m most terrified about is not fitting in. everyone in the group has known each other for at least a year now, and while we’re ‘friends’, we haven’t really interacted outside of a party or show setting. i’m afraid that things will be awkward, or that we won’t get on as well as i anticipate. that’ll be a miserable two-and-a-half months of adjustment. i dunno.
maybe i’m just neurotic.
so… it happened. again.
i find myself waking up in your bed. four episodes of game of thrones. somehow i already knew it was going to happen. and i think you did too. the first girl you have sex with after breaking up with your girl that you tried so hard to get back together with. weird sexual tensions and open flirtations for the last few months/past yr.
travelling down the same path again.
i am so terrified that i will end up alone because i suck at being not alone and i feel like no one would want to be with someone like that.
i think what bothers me most about the two guys sleeping with another girl isn’t exactly that they spurned my advances for another person.
it’s because i logically know that i shouldn’t base my self-confidence on approval and validation from others but emotionally i can’t reconcile that logic. my logical self is hating that i am being so emotional over this issue because it really means nothing.
it’s that time of the year when good things seem to happen very close to my birthday.
finally got a confirmation for the best job this summer in toronto and i can’t fucking wait.
…just have to find housing now…
and it’s so nice out.
April is a good time for friendships to fall apart
you’re single in a way that makes me so happy and so sad
i… hate to admit this but i’ve really been enjoying hanging out with you. sure, you’re always in your room doing your own stuff, and i’m usually on the couch studying or whatever, but it’s been so nice just being… there.
it reminds me of last year, so much. and that our relationship has evolved into something so… calm.
i also have to admit that i am secretly rooting for you to break up with your girlfriend. it’s the right thing to do, don’t get me wrong. you’re not actually happy with her, you know what i mean? she’s doesn’t actually give a fuck about you, at least not in the way you need it, not right now, anyways. and you recognize that it’s unhealthy. but a part of me still really likes you. not that i expect us to get together or anything, because that will never happen. but it would just be nice if there is that… chance.
